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Location: Greensboro, North Carolina, United States

Monday, February 27, 2006

Rough patch

I'm not sure exactly what caused it or why it all happened simultaneously, but for some reason last week just sucked for so many of my closest friends. People were sick, family members passed away, well laid plans fell apart... For some reason an inordinate amount of shit hit the fan last week and everyone I know got buried in it. So, for those of you who have suffered, and for those still suffering, know that I am here for you and wish you all the best. As one of my wiser friends pointed out, "this too shall pass" and I'll be here to help you through it in whatever way I can. The poem for this week mirrors some of the sense of inevitability and loss I've felt this week. I can't take credit for tracking it down though. My former-English-teacher mother picked it out for me and while it isn't really an inspiring poem to uplift us, in my mother's words "it seems to capture something about how bloody hard life can be."

The Tragedy of the Leaves
Charles Bukowski

I awakened to dryness and the ferns were dead,
the potted plants yellow as corn.
My woman was gone and the
empty bottles like bled corpses
surrounded me with their uselessness;
the sun was still good, though,
and my landlady's note cracked in fine and
undemanding yellowness; what was needed now
was a good comedian, ancient style, a jester
with jokes upon absurd pain; pain is absurd
because it exists, nothing more;
I shaved carefully with an old razor,
the man who had once been young and
said to have genius; but
that's the tragedy of the leaves,
the dead ferns, the dead plants;
and I walked into the dark hall
where the landlady stood
execrating and final,
sending me to hell,
waving her fat sweaty arms
and screaming,
screaming for rent
because the world had failed us both.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Coming together

I had a great night last night!

Short version: Cat made fondue and Joel and Erin came over to help us eat it.

Long version: Every aspect of the evening was just a blast. First, Cat and I went shopping to get everything from the food and wine to the plates we ate off of. The original plan was to eat with Cat's friend Amanda, but she had to bail at the last minute so I was frantically calling people in Target. Joel happened to be the one to call back. Now, I'm making it sound like they were an afterthought, but I had really been wanting to spend time with Joel and Erin, it just happened to work out on short notice this time. Anyway, Cat and I got back to her place and began preparing the meal. It was frantic but really fun. We had Jack Johnson and Olympic curling on in the background while we danced around each other in her tiny kitchen. Then Joel and Erin arrived and much fun was had by all. The food was excellent (and very fun) and everyone got along swimmingly (of course). Anne even made it home from her church group meeting to eat with us. It was so much fun to have my favorite people all together at the same time. Many laughs and 2 bottles of wine later we said goodnight and closed off a fantastic evening. It is so funny how a person's life can sort of divide in a way, particularly when you meet someone very special, but not yet attached to other parts of your life. My life has become a bit like that with the addition of Cat. Of course, I don't mean to make this occurrence sound like a complaint. I have been very happy with all the new aspects of my life at the moment, but I can't describe just how special it was to see some of the previously disconnected parts of me get to meet and commingle. I'm not describing this very well, but I guess it's as if all these new things become more real and permanent when they can be linked with other parts of my life. Oh well, long story short: last night was so much fun and very meaningful to me. Just thought I'd share.


Romantics
Johannes Brahms and Clara Schumann

Lisel Mueller

The modern biographers worry
"how far it went," their tender friendship.
They wonder just what it means
when he writes he thinks of her constantly,
his guardian angel, beloved friend.
The modern biographers ask
the rude, irrelevant question
of our age, as if the event
of two bodies meshing together
establishes the degree of love,
forgetting how softly Eros walked
in the nineteenth century, how a hand
held overlong or a gaze anchored
in someone's eyes could unseat a heart,
and nuances of address not known
in our egalitarian language
could make the redolent air
tremble and shiver with the heat
of possibility. Each time I hear
the Intermezzi, sad
and lavish in their tenderness,
I imagine the two of them
sitting in a garden
among the late-blooming roses
and dark cascades of leaves,
letting the landscape speak for them,
leaving us nothing to overhear.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

In support of the ill

Is it just me is everyone getting sick? There are two people laid out from the office alone today and it seems like I keep hearing about another unfortunate soul taken down by this vicious bug. So far I've managed to steer clear of the ravenous beast (thanks to my daily vitamin C, zinc, and echinachea) but I'm starting to get a bit worried. It may just about be time to seal myself in a plastic bubble until it all blows over! However, until then here's a poem in honor of my fallen comrades. I hope you all feel better soon and stay the heck away from me until you do!

Common Cold
Ogden Nash


Go hang yourself, you old M.D,!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
In not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptocracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Valentine Afterglow

Here's to a good dinner, a good concert, and an amazing woman.

The Love Cook
Ron Padgett

Let me cook for you some dinner.
Sit down and take off your shoes
and socks and in fact the rest
of your clothes, have a daquiri,
turn on some music and dance
around the house, inside and out,
it's night and the neighbors
are sleeping, those dolts, and
the stars are shining bright,
and I've got the burners lit
for you, you hungry thing.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

*smile*

I'm feeling romantic today, but I'll let Neruda's words speak for me...

Every Day You Play
Pablo Neruda

Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.

You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.

The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.

You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.

Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth.

How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,
my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the grey light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-or-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.
I want
to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Early morning optimism

Boy was it hard to get up this morning. I have to be at work at 8 every morning so I'm usually up and ready to go by 7:30. This gives me time to grab a bite to eat, watch a bit of the news, and generally prepare myself for the day both physically and mentally. For some reason I was just moving slow this morning because by the time I dragged myself out of bed and through the shower it was 7:50, leaving me just enough time to throw some shoes on, quickly brush my teeth, and head out the door. It's going to be a long day.

But enough griping. I thought since the last poem I posted, though beautiful, was a bit of a downer, I'd give y'all something a bit more optimistic this morning. This is a short little piece I found in an anthology that basically sums up my everyday outlook on life. Or at least, the outlook I try to maintain and occasionally succeed at upholding...

Sometimes
Sheenagh Pugh

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail,
sometimes a man aims high. and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war;
elect an honest man; decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we are meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

(my favorite line: "Some men become what they were born for." Here's hoping)

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Howl

I wasn't planning on posting another long poem for a while but this poem has to be a part of this list of mine. Howl, by Alan Ginsberg was one of the first poems I really loved. My mother introduced it to me years ago; it was the first time I read poetry that had an edge to it. In spite of its length, Howl remains fast paced and intense. Some of the images put forth are not pretty (see the first two lines) but they are true. Plus the writing is just phenomenal. In the interest of space I will just post part I (of three sections) here. However, I encourage all of you to go find the rest of the poem and check it out!

Howl

For Carl Solomon

I

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,

angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,

who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,

who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated,

who passed through universities with radiant eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war,

who were expelled from the academies for crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull,

who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall,

who got busted in their pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York,

who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night

with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls,

incomparable blind streets of shuddering cloud and lightning in the mind leaping towards poles of Canada & Paterson, illuminating all the motionless world of Time between,

Peyote solidities of halls, backyard green tree cemetery dawns, wine drunkenness over the rooftops, storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon blinking traffic light, sun and moon and tree vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brooklyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind,

who chained themselves to subways for the endless ride from Battery to holy Bronx on benzedrine until the noise of wheels and children brought them down shuddering mouth-wracked and battered bleak of brain all drained of brilliance in the drear light of Zoo,

who sank all night in submarine light of Bickford's floated out and sat through the stale beer afternoon in desolate Fugazzi's, listening to the crack of doom on the hydrogen jukebox,

who talked continuously seventy hours from park to pad to bar to Bellevue to museum to the Brooklyn Bridge,

a lost batallion of platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon

yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars,

whose intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the Synagogue cast on the pavement,

who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey leaving a trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic City Hall,

suffering Eastern sweats and Tangerian bone-grindings and migraines of China under junk-withdrawal in Newark's bleak furnished room,

who wandered around and around at midnight in the railway yard wondering where to go, and went, leaving no broken hearts,

who lit cigarettes in boxcars boxcars boxcars racketing through snow toward lonesome farms in grandfather night,

who studied Plotinus Poe St John of the Cross telepathy and bop kabbalah because the universe instinctively vibrated at their feet in Kansas,

who loned it through the streets of Idaho seeking visionary indian angels who were visionary indian angels,

who thought they were only mad when Baltimore gleamed in supernatural ecstasy,

who jumped in limousines with the Chinaman of Oklahoma on the impulse of winter midnight streetlight smalltown rain,

who lounged hungry and lonesome through Houston seeking jazz or sex or soup, and followed the brilliant Spaniard to converse about America and Eternity, a hopeless task, and so took ship to Africa,

who disappeared into the volcanoes of Mexico leaving nothing behind but the shadow of dungarees and the larva and ash of poetry scattered in fireplace Chicago,

who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the FBI in beards and shorts with big pacifist eyes sexy in their dark skin passing out incomprehensible leaflets,

who burned cigarette holes in their arms protesting the narcotic tobacco haze of Capitalism, who distributed Supercommunist pamphlets in Union Square weeping and undressing while the sirens of Los Alamos wailed them down, and wailed down Wall, and the Staten Island ferry also wailed,

who broke down crying in white gymnasiums naked and trembling before the machinery of other skeletons,

who bit detectives in the neck and shrieked with delight in policecars for committing no crime but their own wild cooking pederasty and intoxication,

who howled on their knees in the subway and were dragged off the roof waving genitals and manuscripts,

who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists, and screamed with joy,

who blew and were blown by those human seraphim, the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean love,

who balled in the morning in the evenings in rosegardens and the grass of public parks and cemeteries scattering their semen freely to whomever come who may,

who hiccuped endlessly trying to giggle but wound up with a sob behind a partition in a Turkish Bath when the blond & naked angel came to pierce them with a sword,

who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar the one eyed shrew that winks out of the womb and the one eyed shrew that does nothing but sit on her ass and snip the intellectual golden threads of the craftsman's loom,

who copulated ecstatic and insatiate and fell off the bed, and continued along the floor and down the hall and ended fainting on the wall with a vision of ultimate cunt and come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness,

who sweetened the snatches of a million girls trembling in the sunset, and were red eyed in the morning but were prepared to sweeten the snatch of the sunrise, flashing buttocks under barns and naked in the lake,

who went out whoring through Colorado in myriad stolen night-cars, N.C., secret hero of these poems, cocksman and Adonis of Denver—joy to the memory of his innumerable lays of girls in empty lots & diner backyards, moviehouses' rickety rows, on mountaintops in caves or with gaunt waitresses in familiar roadside lonely petticoat upliftings & especially secret gas-station solipsisms of johns, & hometown alleys too,

who faded out in vast sordid movies, were shifted in dreams, woke on a sudden Manhattan, and picked themselves up out of basements hungover with heartless Tokay and horrors of Third Avenue iron dreams & stumbled to unemployment offices,

who walked all night with their shoes full of blood on the snowbank docks waiting for a door in the East River to open full of steamheat and opium,

who created great suicidal dramas on the appartment cliff-banks of the Hudson under the wartime blue floodlight of the moon & their heads shall be crowned with laurel in oblivion,

who ate the lamb stew of the imagination or digested the crab at the muddy bottom of the rivers of the Bowery,

who wept at the romance of the streets with their pushcarts full of onions and bad music,

who sat in boxes breathing in the darkness under the bridge, and rose up to build harpsichords in their lofts, who coughed on the sixth floor of Harlem crowned with flame under the tubercular sky surrounded by orange crates of theology,

who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty incantations which in the yellow morning were stanzas of gibberish,

who cooked rotten animals lung heart feet tail borsht & tortillas dreaming of the pure vegetable kingdom,

who plunged themselves under meat trucks looking for an egg,

who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for an Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade,

who cut their wrists three times successfully unsuccessfully, gave up and were forced to open antique stores where they thought they were growing old and cried,

who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinister intelligent editors, or were run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality,

who jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge this actually happened and walked away unknown and forgotten into the ghostly daze of Chinatown soup alleyways & firetrucks, not even one free beer,

who sang out of their windows in despair, fell out of the subway window, jumped in the filthy Passaic, leaped on negroes, cried all over the street, danced on broken wineglasses barefoot smashed phonograph records of nostalgic European 1930s German jazz finished the whiskey and threw up groaning into the bloody toilet, moans in their ears and the blast of colossal steamwhistles,

who barreled down the highways of the past journeying to each other's hotrod-Golgotha jail-solitude watch Birmingham jazz incarnation,

who drove crosscountry seventytwo hours to find out if I had a vision or you had a vision or he had a vision to find out Eternity,

who journeyed to Denver, who died in Denver, who came back to Denver & waited in vain, who watched over Denver & brooded & loned in Denver and finally went away to find out the Time, & now Denver is lonesome for her heroes,

who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying for each other's salvation and light and breasts, until the soul illuminated its hair for a second,

who crashed through their minds in jail waiting for impossible criminals with golden heads and the charm of reality in their hearts who sang sweet blues to Alcatraz,

who retired to Mexico to cultivate a habit, or Rocky Mount to tender Buddha or Tangiers to boys or Southern Pacific to the black locomotive or Harvard to Narcissus to Woodlawn to the daisychain or grave,

who demanded sanity trials accusing the radio of hypnotism & were left with their insanity & their hands & a hung jury,

who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturerson Dadaism and subsequently presented themselves on the granite steps of the madhouse with the shaven heads and harlequin speech of suicide, demanding instantaneous lobotomy,

and who were given instead the concrete void of insulin Metrazol electricity hydrotherapy psychotherapy occupational therapy pingpong & amnesia,

who in humorless protest overturned only one symbolic pingpong table, resting briefly in catatonia,

returning years later truly bald except for a wig of blood, and tears and fingers, to the visible madman doom of the wards of the madtowns of the East,

Pilgrim State's Rockland's and Greystone's foetid halls, bickering with the echoes of the soul, rocking and rolling in the midnight solitude-bench dolmen-realms of love, dream of life a nightmare, bodies turned to stone as heavy as the moon,

with mother finally *****, and the last fantastic book flung out of the tenement window, and the last door closed at 4 A.M. and the last telephone slammed at the wall in reply and the last furnished room emptied down to the last piece of mental furniture, a yellow paper rose twisted on a wire hanger on the closet, and even that imaginary, nothing but a hopeful little bit of hallucination—

ah, Carl, while you are not safe I am not safe, and now you're really in the total animal soup of time—

and who therefore ran through the icy streets obsessed with a sudden flash of the alchemy of the use of the ellipse the catalog the meter & the vibrating plane,

who dreamt and made incarnate gaps in Time & Space through images juxtaposed, and trapped the archangel of the soulbetween 2 visual images and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun and dash of consciousness together jumping with sensation of Pater Omnipotens Aeterna Deus

to recreate the syntax and measure of poor human prose and stand before you speechless and intelligent and shaking with shame, rejected yet confessing out the soul to conform to the rhythm of thought in his naked and endless head,

the madman bum and angel beat in Time, unknown, yet putting down here what might be left to say in time come after death,

and rose incarnate in the ghostly clothes of jazz in the goldhorn shadow of the band and blew the suffering of America's naked mind for love into an eli eli lamma lamma sabacthani saxophone cry that shivered the cities down to the last radio

with the absolute heart of the poem butchered out of their own bodies good to eat a thousand years.
- Alan Ginsberg

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The State of the Union

So how many of you watched the speech last night? That is if you can call it a speech. Putting politics aside for a moment, I was just flat unimpressed by the speech itself. It was clumsily written and even more clumsily presented. I'm used to watching the State of the Union and being inspired, even if I'm inspired to hate the President more than before. This time I just felt bored most of the time. Granted, I did have to yell at the TV a couple of times ("Activist courts" was the big one!) but for the most part if seemed dull to me. Anyway, in honor of the speech, I thought I'd leave you with a more politically bent poem. Many of you may not agree with some of the sentiments but I think it speaks to a number of the problems I see in the way the country is run at the moment and wraps the whole thing up in the context of a small family setting; the kind of people who are most effected but least considered:


Board Book & the Costume of a Whooping Crane
David Wojahn


Two new words a day & sometimes three — cup & doll, yesterday throat
& hot, hot hot
,
the T extended, hot-uh, fingers drumming the radiator. He's thirteen months,
hand to the windowsill,

head tilted up to glimpse a squirrel. Freshly changed, he squeals
as inches from his face
the squirrel stares toward him, its eyes a shrouded planet, cloud cover
seen from space,

monsoon roiling the Pacific. Then his brother, laughing, tackles him,
squirrel leaping down to snow.
If learning is delight, then gnosis asks unshroudings more laborious,
the hard unspooling,

the rended gauze. & everywhere the shrouds & everywhere
the shrouds to come.
The President's rodent eye pulses out from CNN, darting & glazed,
squinting for the next thing

to lift to the mouth, for he must eat & eat. As the boys sit down
to sift through board books,
the grim hand jitters up from the podium, class ring
in a dazzle of pixels.

Today he will entertain no questions, impatient for the killings to begin,
executions to roll
on his tongue like acorns, berries purpling the gaping mouth.
Already he can taste them.

Now the cutaway to ordnance & acronym, F-16s snarling up
from a carrier, the MOAB
& its 21,000 pounds of murder. But here — a board book of cranes,
open & aflutter in Luke's hands.

& now Jake joining him. Touch & feel, so his fingers stroke a tuft
of feathers, orange rubbery
hieroglyphic of a foot. Sandhill Crane, Demoiselle Crane,
Black-Crowned, Gray-Crowned,

Wattled & Blue, Sarus, Siberian, Hooded & White-Necked,
Eurasian, Red-Crowned,
Australian & Eastern Sarus, & Grus americana — Whooping Crane,
almost extinct for a century,

numbers dwindled by DDT, by power line & coyote, drought & poachers
selling ground-up bills
to Beijing and Macao — an antidote for hair loss — until scarcely
a hundred remain, hatched

& fledged in captivity. Also here, the photo I've tacked above my desk,
a zoo attendant
in the costume of a whooping crane, cumbersome in bird mask,
a parachute gathered

to make a kind of overall. He's bending to a nest of fledglings,
beaks agape & waiting.
Released to the wild, few of them survive for long. The boys
sift the pages, hands

brailling yellow beaks. The President hisses on, martial music
seeping from marine band horns,
the snow in thickening spirals. I am suiting up, the costume
clumsy as a spacesuit,

white silk billowing, the lemon-colored boots ridiculous clowns' feet.
& the mask pasted tight
with sweat & the ache of my ascending. I sprout Ovidian claws,
my eyes look down

on miles of stratosphere, the piston work of wing-beat
& outstretched glide,
the long wail echoing from the throat, the fish within my jaws,
struggling still, the circling,

the gyres diminishing to touchdown & my gangling
stagger toward them
who will lavishly outlive me. & from my mouth this rainbow,
wet & silvering.